i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
