I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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