i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
