Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
