I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
