he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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