Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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