I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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