we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
