grandma shit on top of the toilet
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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