Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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