This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
