i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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