Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize