Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
