the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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