Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
