I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
