My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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