you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
