My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
there's paper in my vomit.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I AM VODKA MAN
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
