It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You took a bar mat shot.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
