there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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