if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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