She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
