The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I checked into jail on foursquare
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
