dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Randomize
