just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
as a side note pls kill me
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