i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
