I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
