don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
