i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
