I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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