If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
