I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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