It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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