So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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