For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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