I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
