She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
