you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
