Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
