So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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