life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
In America we eat man semen.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
