a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
