I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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