i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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