Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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