I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
