By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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