He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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