Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
