Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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