i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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