I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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