If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
